Top WTF Cocktails You Must Avoid


On this site, you’ve probably found an article (or ten) about delicious cocktails, right? That’s another great thing about alcohol. It’s just fun to mix and match and then you can come up with goofy names for your concoction.

Unfortunately, not all cocktails are equal. Some are better than others, and some are downright awful. These are the cocktails that are so foul-tasting that it seems to want to go back up as you’re trying to get it down. Others are just remnants of a lost age that’s best left forgotten, such as parachute pants. Then there are those drinks that are so hard to make that your bartender will absolutely hate you for ordering it.

So there are lots of awful drinks for different reasons. Let’s take a look at the usual suspects.

Smoker’s Cough

Here’s one tip: if it has an awful name, chances are that the name wasn’t meant to be ironic. This is one example. It uses Jägermeister, which is not bad. But then it’s mixed with warm mayo in a shot glass.

Even at a glance it doesn’t look right. The taste is even worse. No matter how much you mix the two, they don’t really go together. So when you drink it, the Jäger goes down and it seems like you’re chasing it with a spoonful of warm mayo. Does that seem appetizing to you?

Infected Whitehead

Here’s another example of how the name should have clued you in already. Yes, it’s made with vodka and a Bloody Mary Mix. But even if you use the most expensive Smirnoff or Absolut for this cocktail, it won’t matter. That’s because it also calls for cottage cheese. Seriously.

So now, it’s like you’re drinking a Bloody Mary, except there’s this chewy part. That texture and that chewy part will sooner or later remind you of vomit, and then you’re night of drinking is done.

Horse Jizz

No, we didn’t come up with this name. But somehow it’s perfect for this “cocktail”. You can even make it yourself. All you need to do is to mix equal parts of beer and milk.

Are you imagining this abomination right now? It’s nasty, isn’t it? This is taking the “Got Milk?” campaign waaaaay too far.

Bloody Tampon

Seriously, we’re not making this crap up. Just Google the damn thing (“bloody tampon cocktail”) and you’ll find other perfectly respectable websites with their recipes.

There are different versions of this, but basically you mix whiskey, tequila, and vodka, with Bailey’s along with lemon juice, tomato juice, and may even V8. Just like its namesake, it’s just not nice.

Hot Mexican Hooker

Yes, we know that is an extremely politically incorrect cocktail name. But again, you have to Google it to confirm that we’re not making this stuff up.

At first it starts out innocuously, as it calls for tequila and Tabasco. If you have Jose Cuervo or 1800 Tequila, it sounds great. Here’s the part where it all goes to hell: you’re supposed to add the sauce from a can of tuna. No, we didn’t come up with this. In fact, we seriously think that whoever thought to think that tuna sauce from a can ought to be used for a cocktail must be playing without a full deck of cards.

We really don’t think it’ll matter what brand of tuna you get either. This is just wrong on so many levels.

Cement Mixer

Sometimes when you have 2 different elements they can mix gloriously even when they’re so different with each other. It’s like when Eminem and Elton John performed “Stan” live at the Grammy’s.

So here we have lime juice, which is a staple mixer ingredient. Then we have Bailey’s, which many people like. But the Cement Mixer asks that you take a shot of lime juice and then you chase it with Bailey’s.

But when this mixes in your mouth, it’s a congealed mess—just like cement.

Mojito

Yes, some perfectly decent people love this. Use Bacardi White Rum, and it’s even fabulous.

The thing is, it’s a pain in the ass to make and bartenders just loathe making it. They’ll hate you too for ordering it, especially when some bystander overhears you order it at the bar and then everyone is ordering it. When this happens, it’s time for you to leave because you’re never sure that the bartender isn’t putting arsenic in your drinks to get revenge.

So now you know another meaning of “drinking responsibly”—don’t try these drinks in public!

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